Why I don’t give a fuck about my body image problems any more…
I’ve given myself more than a few lols planning this post. I’ve also tortured myself a little thinking how bad and how low my mental health and body image must have been when I was younger. Why my self worth was always based on how many boys fancied me or didn’t fancy me, how many inches I had around my waistline and how many of my friends wanted me to join them on the weekend.
My relationship with my body has always been love hate. It loves to hate me. I’ve not always been kind to it, and there is some pretty complex psychology behind that to be fair which I won’t bother you with. But I’ve always been curvy. I haven’t always embraced the curviness and sensual nature of my body. I’ve definitely been that girl who cried trying on clothes in my bedroom that I was just too embarrassed to try on in the shop.
I love my mam, But she was definitely a feeder.
I remember at one point my weight went up with my age. Just imagine being so hung up with your weight at eight years old you know what you weigh. I was forever ripping the seams of my school skirts. Jeans were just a huge no until the mid nineties when some god from heaven above invented lycra. Oh my days I could get jeans to actually shut and allow me to breathe. What black magic is this?
I tried every which way to lose weight I could. Hours at the gym. I played rugby (quite well!) so I wasn’t unfit. I’d jog, and be quite athletic, and watched what I eat but my weight hated me and didn’t move. At one point when I was about 15 I turned to using Senocot, a natural laxative. I was at my worst swallowing a bottle a day. I didn’t lose any weight what so ever. But put myself through a lot of pain and embarrassing skid mark situations.
Pressure was there to attract boys. And boys were my friends. In fact the friend zone was created for teenage me, because I was funny. I made people laugh. No one took me seriously because I was the first to crack a joke about myself. But it didn’t stop it hurting.
I definitely gave up on myself after I had kids. I got injured playing rugby. Stopped exercising. Adopted unhealthy habits and ended up a huge 28 stone eating takeaway and drinking my paranoia away. I got stuck in doors. Felt constantly out of breath and didn’t have a single mirror in the house.
Even after losing fourteen stone I still felt underconfident. But the motivation for losing so much weight for me was to feel attractive. To find again someone to love me. The problem was I didn’t love myself. So I yo yo’d playing with this and that, just never finding what suited me.
Since I turned 40 that’s changed. I’ve accepted my body and its limits. I conquered Snowdon last year. But have since gained three stone after being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. But my attitude has changed too. If I want to lose this weight. I can. And I will. In my adult life I’ve been a size 32. I’ve also been a size 12. But I’ve always felt happiest at a size 16.
Positive Body image all the way!
The best thing in life is confidence.
I used to think I didn’t get a certain job, or a certain man because I was big. It’s all bollocks. I didn’t get what I wanted because I’d set myself up to fail before I’d begun. Certainly, all too often I was projecting this negative thinking on my children. Teaching them habits I’d fallen into. Not giving them an example of a strong, independent woman. Seeing your child comfort eat when they’re down. I did that to them.
So it all changed.
I always had an unhealthy approach to food. Eating everything that was in front of me, cleaning my plate and then sopping up the dirty plate with a sandwich. Eating because I was happy. Indulging when I was sad or in pain. Treating myself like a Pavlovian dog. I was offered pills to reduce my weight, an operation, but none of this works.
What works is reminding myself that we are all human. We are all different shapes or sizes, creeds and colours, ethnicities and sexualities, and we are all a hot mess of gorgeousness. We are fuelled by food. But my fuel for adventure is stronger.
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I’ve never had a healthy relationship with my body. It never seems to do what I want it to do. I was teased relentlessly for being the big girl with the big personality and it stuck with me. But turning forty my relationship changed. I’m never going to be a size ten. Not because I can’t but because I don’t want to be. I have curves, I am loved, cuddled, kisses, caressed and there is more to this woman you see than a healthy size 16/18. My attitude changed because bringing up a daughter means not giving her the same hang ups you had at the same age. I’ll blog about what I’m wearing later tonight because I LOVE my outfit. And I’m rocking my curves. Now to aim for the Christina Hendricks look #bodyimage #curves #momblogger #mumblogger #pbloggers #pbloggersuk #positivebodyimage
Kids deserve better
Children are bombarded with unrealistic images of superstars portrayed by the media and sometimes very badly photoshopped. Some beautiful young girls get plastic surgery to enhance (or destroy) their natural beauty and yes, the industry is fickle and fake. What you can give your kids is confidence.
Confidence to rock their own bodies, and enhance their own body image. This confidence can only be from within. It can only come from a safe place. And having a mum with body confidence issues wasn’t working for my daughter or my son. So I worked on my fitness, and I came to the conclusion that eating healthily and regularly, but taking them to the top of a mountain and letting them achieve something monumental. Well, it’s priceless. Let them be children, and fit, and run about barefoot like maniacs and jump in a cold mountain lake without a second look at the bathroom scales.
I certainly won’t be worried about anyone opening my coffin in three thousand years time and finding my bones with two backs of silicone and artificial hair. It took me a long time to realise, that the outside isn’t important. If you’re loved, you’re loved. Full stop.
What I’m wearing here
I love this outfit. I’m wearing:
Mint stripe summer shirt from Primark £8 I bloody love this shirt!
New Look Cream ballet pumps £12.99
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